Being blessed by Aspergers

The Gift of Aspergers Syndrome

I normally don't pay much attention to movie reviews. However, with the movie "Adam" coming out, I've been reading some of them here and there, eager to see what others think of the disorder that I deal with daily in my almost 11 yr old son. And then I read this review of the movie by Mr. Rex Reed.

http://www.observer.com/2009/movies/hugh-dancy-his-way-superstardom

I honestly didn't think my dropped jaw would be able to make it back up from the floor. I was shocked, upset, indignant, sad....goodness I can't even begin to list all the things that went through my mind. But the one thing that stuck there after reading it was......people are going to read this and get completely wrong ideas about people with Asperger's Syndrome, they will think that Mr. Reed knows what he's talking about...but, outside his circle of two Aspies, he clearly, *very* clearly, doesn't.

This is the paragraph that I wished he would have researched before he'd written it; talked to doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists….even....I know it's a stretch here but....maybe even talked with some Aspies (besides the two he knows)? Hugh Dancy, who portrays Adam (and does so very well), will tell you "no two persons with Aspergers are the same"....

Far from just another exotic Disease of the Week, Asperger’s is an incurable neurological disorder similar to autism that turns outwardly normal-looking people into high-class idiot savants. I know at least two people with Asperger’s. They are incapable of thinking of anyone or anything outside of themselves. Challenged by social interactions and given to obsessive routines that revolve around a single subject of interest, they do not like to be touched, they feel incapable of explaining things and they cannot cope with people in general. Emotionally blocked, they say things that hurt and sting without meaning to be rude, and are weak at understanding, receiving or exchanging the emotions of others. They cannot look you in the eye. Adam is a fascinating study of a rare affliction in which all of these qualities are evident, in carefully researched scenes that are humorous and touching. It is lethal to get involved romantically with any person with Asperger’s syndrome, since they care nothing about other people’s feelings, needs or priorities

I read that and just shake my head. Apparently he has had some bad experiences with the Aspies he knows. Unfortunately, there are people who will read his words and take it to mean that all Aspies are that way and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Perhaps the two that he knows (and I’m willing to bet he knows more and just doesn’t realize it) are exactly as he describes, but to paint all Aspies with the same brush does them a huge disservice.

Please know that I am writing this to be specific to Aspergers Syndrome (AS). I realize that while Autism and Aspergers are included on the same “spectrum” there is a world of difference between the two. I’m not an “expert” on either of them by any means…only on my own child who happens to have Aspergers.


To tell you what I mean by “spectrum” I’ve copied and pasted the following from the website of NINDS (National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke):

AS is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD), one of a distinct group of neurological conditions characterized by a greater or lesser degree of impairment in language and communication skills, as well as repetitive or restrictive patterns of thought and behavior. Other ASDs include: classic autism, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, and pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (usually referred to as PDD-NOS)


There are no two Aspies who are the same, there just isn't. There are characteristics of the disorder which you will find in one Aspie, but not another. And characteristics that you find in one won't even be a blip on the radar for another. Not to mention, the degrees of severity of the characteristics are different for each Aspie as well. My son Trace is almost 11 yrs old and he has Aspergers. However, he is not even remotely like the description that Mr. Reed gives us in his review. Trace is intelligent, yes (in the top 5% of his 4th grade class last year) but not a "high-class idiot savant". He is a loving, sweet, funny and caring child.....especially with family. He has a few friends and their interests tend to run to the same activity which, right now, is Pokémon....especially the cards, but he also likes Transformers and Star Wars. He loves hugs and to be hugged, or sitting next to us or playing with his little brother. Trace has no problem explaining things....unless it’s something he doesn’t know and then he will ask. He is honest, almost painfully so...but, I'd rather he tells the truth than lie. And he is not emotionally blocked- he loves, he hurts, he cares. He will look you in the eye. To say that it is "lethal" to get romantically involved with an Aspie....well, it's apparent that it's written by someone who is misinformed about Aspergers and those who have it. Trace may have certain things to learn and issues to deal with so he can be in a successful relationship…but, you know what? That sounds pretty typical relationship to me….and with the right person, you work together to help the relationship survive.

Almost without exception, they leave you perplexed, riddled with doubt and totally depressed

Ah, the last sentence. Does Trace perplex us? Sure....but, show me a child/person (with a disability or without) that *doesn't* perplex their parents/family/friends sometimes. I will admit to the “being riddled with doubt” point. I absolutely doubted myself when Trace was first diagnosed with Aspergers. I doubted that I could be the parent that I needed to be for him because..."hey, it took me (us) *10 yrs* to find out what was wrong with our son." ....and "hey, there's a TON of research that needs to be done and dr's and specialists to find and therapies to research, and IEP's to be fought for and teachers to talk to and the educating of family/friends/John Q Public and laws that need to be in place but aren’t so they need to lobbied for and more research to be done and advocating to do....and ...and .... and....and...." Depressed, oh yes….even prone to panic attacks. I was overwhelmed with the diagnosis, by all the “things” that needed to be done, all the things that I need(ed) to learn.

But, see, one thing I’ve learned over the last year and three months is this. There will always be research to be done, advocating to be done, learning to do, laws that need changing or needing to be put in place. The medical community is learning more and more each day about Aspergers. They are learning about the causes and the things that will help our kids- so they can learn to cope, learn to be (at least somewhat) comfortable in social situations, and learn to recognize what emotion is playing across the face of the person they’re talking to. And as we learn more about this disorder, the less I doubt myself.

I realize now that while I may have "off" days (and who doesn't?) I am totally and completely blessed with this child of mine. Yes, Trace will always have Asperger's Syndrome, it *is* incurable (guess Mr. Reed did get one thing right), he will always be more than average intelligent. He will probably not ever be totally comfortable in social situations (but neither are a lot of people I know who are neurotypical or, NT’s) but will learn to be more so than he is now because we have researched and sought out the help that he needs. He has the ability to focus and learn everything there is to know about whatever subject/topic that has caught his attention...and as that is subject to change every year or so, I expect that he will learn so much more than the average person. He will always hug me and accept hugs from those that he cares about.

Most importantly, he is, and always will be, my quirky “Little Professor” who is intense in his focus on certain things, who pals around with his little brother, who won’t always get the idioms that we utter, who will read and re-read books that he loves, who may say something “politically incorrect” but still be 100% honest, who may always include an awkward little pat on the back when he hugs, who may not always express his emotions outwardly, or understand the emotions playing out in front of him, who probably won’t look you in the eye for more than 2 seconds at a time because it’s just “too much”, who may never take a picture where there is no light in his eyes and the smile isn’t forced, who will never (by his own admission “Mom, I don’t *do* spontaneous”) do anything spontaneously and will always get so intensely focused on his Nintendo DS game that he won’t hear you call his name when you’re right next to him....but he will always, without fail, tell me “I love you MORE” when I tell him that I love him.

You have no idea what it means to be gifted with Aspergers Syndrome.